I think I may still be hormonally imbalanced.
I just slammed the front door (the bad, temporary one) of the house and chucked a shower curtain as hard as I could into the dumpster. The anger is intense, as intense as it’s ever been. If I could physically beat the keys of my iPhone while typing, I would.
Maybe it’s just the anger stage of grief? If so, I had no idea it could be so intense.
I’ve been moving through this dark cloud everyday and every night. Depression, sinking down into my skin and through my soul. Ripping blackness that envelopes what must have at one time been my red beating heart; but is now a cold icy rock. A despair that manifests itself into physical illnesses that continue to plague me.
In thirty-two years, I have learned that happiness and contentment are a choice, but I also understand the disease and science of depression and mental illness. I’ve been in the darkness before. This time is different because I know there will again be a light, but that does little to keep the daggers at bay.
There are moments of reprieve, but I feel as though I have lost a kind of innocence now that I have carried a child. I didn’t realize I still had any innocence left to lose.
But today? Today the familiar blackness is instead searing red. A heat that burns the tip of my tongue and pulses in my hands…just waiting for an excuse to be let out. An excuse as minimal as a shower curtain that is too short.
So as the heat has been turned on at the house, it has also been turned on and is coursing through my veins.
Though we’ve fortunately had a pretty good fall with unseasonably high temperatures, we have officially entered the cold. The first snow of the season was yesterday and temps have dropped into the 30s.
Good thing we finally have heat in the house.
Getting the duct work and furnace hooked up was one of a few select jobs that we hired out.
For the past eight years, I have lived in cold apartments, being stingy with the thermostat to save money. Pilling on sweaters and blankets because I knew the apartments weren’t sealed well and felt that heating such a place was like throwing money into a toilet.
Soon though, I will turn the heat on as high as I please. Because I know the hulk built us a house well sealed and insulated. And when I think of the sweat and time and money he has put into building a house that won’t drain heat, my veins cool a little and my heart melts every so slightly. And the black daggers and the darkness lighten up for a few moments.